Absence
by toiletseatgirl
Summary: JR. What will Joey do without Rachel?


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ABSENCE

Feedback to: Claire P.   
Category: Joey & Rachel romance  
Spoilers: TOW the Secret Closet  
Summary: What would Joey do without Rachel?  
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, go figure!

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The apartment was way too quiet for Joey's liking. And though it was him who was usually responsible for making noise, there was an odd comfort in the agonizing silence.

She was gone. It had finally happened, he had finally let the guilt gnaw at him until he had to push her away. He did not want her to leave, but he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he thought he was unwelcome or intruding into her child's life.

It was sort of funny; he thought nothing could be worse than the torture of living with his feelings and not being able to act on them. The countless temptations and the endless nights he spent thinking about her were nearly driving him mad that he wanted so badly to be rid of his emotions. Now he realized that that was nothing compared to the torture of not being able to see her all the time.

Joey chuckled as he thought about how ironic it was for him to actually enjoy waking up to see the same person everyday. The laughter was laced with more pain than happiness, and his smile became a frown once again.

The knowledge that Rachel was no longer his roommate wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't left him to live with Ross. He had nothing against his friend, mainly because he felt like he was betraying him. He felt inferior to Ross, but instead of not concerning himself with measuring himself against others, he couldn't let it go. That was what kept him up most nights. Even if, in some remote part of the universe where there might be a shred of hope that Rachel would consider him as more than a friend, she would never care about him the way she did about Ross. 

Joey groaned. He needed a drink. He needed to feel something other than this numbing pain, and drowning himself in alcohol sounded more appealing now than it ever had.

He opened the fridge and crouched down to see if he could find any, but there wasn't a beer in sight. He remembered that he had disposed of them all at Rachel's request. He would do just about anything to make Rachel happy, and beer was the smallest of sacrifices he would make to do that. Joey sighed happily at the memory as he leaned his head on the side of the refrigerator door, trying to revel in whatever positive aspect there was of his nostalgia.

The happiness didn't last long, and soon, an old familiar feeling grew in the pit of his stomach. Joey winced. He needed to get through this somehow. Just take it one step at a time, he told himself.

Joey took a deep breath… and another… and another. He tried as hard as he could to push Rachel to the back of his mind, but succeeded only in making the feeling worse. He became overwhelmed with memories that flooded over in him. He could vividly remember the brief moments, the simple expressions that he couldn't put into words if he tried. Joey's breaths each became more shaky than the last until he didn't think he could get any oxygen to his lungs in his current position. He stood up and went to the counter to get a hold of something for support. 

Joey wondered how long this would all last, how long the distance put between him and Rachel would cause this tightening in his chest, preventing him from breathing comfortably. It almost felt as if something had been ripped out, as if she had become a part of him and now, with her gone for good, he wasn't able to function properly. This was almost more than he could take. The realization that Rachel wouldn't be walking out of her bedroom door to greet him in the morning anymore crashed down upon him once again, and he nearly doubled over. It didn't make any sense to him; he never felt anything like this before. The closest was with Kate, but that wasn't as bad as now, and Joey considered Kate to be the only woman he ever came close to really loving, or could have loved if she hadn't left. But this wasn't love, it couldn't be. Love shouldn't make a person feel this way, nothing should. Joey was sure of it, he wasn't feeling love. He was feeling the absence of love.

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Feedback would be much appreciated!


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